Years ago I was a swinging pendulum. I would worry that I was not giving my children their voice enough or that I was crushing their spirits, creativity or free will. But I couldn’t figure out why I was miserable around my kids, which made me feel guilty, and why I was so embarrassed about their behavior, because there were plenty of critics pointing out my children’s faults. So I chose to ignore the critics and keep on going the way I was because I was right and my children were not going to hurt the way I had.
But then I noticed something. I noticed that when the kids got really annoying or if the stress of life came down on me too hard. I would snap, at them. I would start yelling and shouting at my kids. I would swing the pendulum the other way, briefly, to release the pressure. Then I would feel so bad that I yelled at them, or was harsh or they cried that I would compensate by swinging back but this time for a longer stent and with more resolve. But then consequently the return swing was just as big if not bigger. You see the cycle? The problem was I couldn’t see this cycle, right away. It took a close confidante hearing me to gently point out that I might have been the cause of my own frustration.
I didn’t understand that the hurt feelings in my youth; not feeling heard, being picked on and bullied and not defended by those who loved me, fueled my desire for my children’s voices to be heard and their free will to not be crushed. I was so obstinate about it that I would get into verbal blows with my husband or anyone else who I thought threatened that. My childlike perspective of my youth was that of “seen and not heard”, harshness of tone, aggressive and just plain mean or angry. I didn’t understand why bad things happened to me and so when I got into trouble I clumped that together with the hurts beyond my caretakers’ control. I didn’t understand why I seem to hurt all the time.so I wanted to prevent that in my children at all cost!
What I couldn’t see was that I was, in some ways, creating the same insecurities in my kids that I had from the sometimes harshness I remember growing up. I was not teaching them skills to communicate, unless giving in all the time, avoiding conflict or yelling is a usable skill. I was not showing grace and kindness and I was certainly not disciplining them in love. I had to stop the pendulum so that my kids didn’t try to do the opposite of me with my grandchildren and thus reciprocating the generational cycle. And so that they can live in freedom and peace from the hurts and insecurities indulgence breeds.
So I took to a balanced approach, I wanted my kids to feel love and KNOW they are loved. But how did I practically do that without yelling or giving into the demands of a child who doesn’t fully comprehend things? My solution was to talk to them about their discipline. I would explain to them what was wrong and why they couldn’t do something; not safe, not kind, not respectful of self or others. We would, together, talk about what consequence should happen if they did this correctly and what would happen if they didn’t follow through. We came up with some things that both of us could be ok with and moved on with life.
When my child chooses to do something that we have talked about that is not correct then they are not surprised when something happens. For example recently, my child used an object inappropriately. They knew this was not okay because it was either not kind, safe or respectful. It broke the standards we had for them. They also knew what would happen to the offending object. Were they sad? Yes. Did I yell or try to make them cry? No. Did they cry? Yes. Did it hurt me that they were crying? Absolutely!!! But I knew that they trusted me and I was not going to break that trust.
They trusted that I was going to teach them right and wrong. They trusted that they could mess up and I was not going to lose it or give in. They trusted that the security of my love for them was going to hold through a consequence they did not like at the time. Did I hug them and comfort them while they were living out their consequence? Yes. Did I prevent the consequence from happening? No, because when they become adults there will be much bigger consequences that I cannot always prevent. My hope is that they will learn now how to handle those events with confidence and know that I am behind them loving them along the way.
My point is that I have found a balance between being permissive, which breeds insecurity, and being harsh, which breeds insecurity. Am I perfect at it? NO! But I have slowed down that pendulum so that hopefully my next generation can hang out in the middle and that it will be the new ‘normal’for my kids.
But then I noticed something. I noticed that when the kids got really annoying or if the stress of life came down on me too hard. I would snap, at them. I would start yelling and shouting at my kids. I would swing the pendulum the other way, briefly, to release the pressure. Then I would feel so bad that I yelled at them, or was harsh or they cried that I would compensate by swinging back but this time for a longer stent and with more resolve. But then consequently the return swing was just as big if not bigger. You see the cycle? The problem was I couldn’t see this cycle, right away. It took a close confidante hearing me to gently point out that I might have been the cause of my own frustration.
I didn’t understand that the hurt feelings in my youth; not feeling heard, being picked on and bullied and not defended by those who loved me, fueled my desire for my children’s voices to be heard and their free will to not be crushed. I was so obstinate about it that I would get into verbal blows with my husband or anyone else who I thought threatened that. My childlike perspective of my youth was that of “seen and not heard”, harshness of tone, aggressive and just plain mean or angry. I didn’t understand why bad things happened to me and so when I got into trouble I clumped that together with the hurts beyond my caretakers’ control. I didn’t understand why I seem to hurt all the time.so I wanted to prevent that in my children at all cost!
What I couldn’t see was that I was, in some ways, creating the same insecurities in my kids that I had from the sometimes harshness I remember growing up. I was not teaching them skills to communicate, unless giving in all the time, avoiding conflict or yelling is a usable skill. I was not showing grace and kindness and I was certainly not disciplining them in love. I had to stop the pendulum so that my kids didn’t try to do the opposite of me with my grandchildren and thus reciprocating the generational cycle. And so that they can live in freedom and peace from the hurts and insecurities indulgence breeds.
So I took to a balanced approach, I wanted my kids to feel love and KNOW they are loved. But how did I practically do that without yelling or giving into the demands of a child who doesn’t fully comprehend things? My solution was to talk to them about their discipline. I would explain to them what was wrong and why they couldn’t do something; not safe, not kind, not respectful of self or others. We would, together, talk about what consequence should happen if they did this correctly and what would happen if they didn’t follow through. We came up with some things that both of us could be ok with and moved on with life.
When my child chooses to do something that we have talked about that is not correct then they are not surprised when something happens. For example recently, my child used an object inappropriately. They knew this was not okay because it was either not kind, safe or respectful. It broke the standards we had for them. They also knew what would happen to the offending object. Were they sad? Yes. Did I yell or try to make them cry? No. Did they cry? Yes. Did it hurt me that they were crying? Absolutely!!! But I knew that they trusted me and I was not going to break that trust.
They trusted that I was going to teach them right and wrong. They trusted that they could mess up and I was not going to lose it or give in. They trusted that the security of my love for them was going to hold through a consequence they did not like at the time. Did I hug them and comfort them while they were living out their consequence? Yes. Did I prevent the consequence from happening? No, because when they become adults there will be much bigger consequences that I cannot always prevent. My hope is that they will learn now how to handle those events with confidence and know that I am behind them loving them along the way.
My point is that I have found a balance between being permissive, which breeds insecurity, and being harsh, which breeds insecurity. Am I perfect at it? NO! But I have slowed down that pendulum so that hopefully my next generation can hang out in the middle and that it will be the new ‘normal’for my kids.