Fall used to be my favorite time of year when I was younger. The crisp smell of the cool morning air as I walked to school with my sister or friends. The need for sweaters in the morning but nothing by morning recess because it was already hot. The new beginning of a fresh start to school with no late assignments, no disappointed teachers, no laundry list of tasks to complete that I had no idea where to start with any of them.  I loved that time. It felt open, clean and hopeful.

Lately Fall has turned into an endless fog. Starting about the second week of August when school supply list start massively taking over every shopping center and grocery store. (I’m sure they are there sooner but I just don’t notice small things until they slap me in the face with their obviousness.) The busyness of the fall slowly consumes me and the long list of to-dos get longer by the day. Just a few:

And the list just keeps on going. When I make a list or plan something I literally imagine and walk through everything. I really do mean everything. I think of any obstacle that might possibly come up and make a plan for it. I think of every need that each one of my family members might have that will call for my attention and plan for it. I think of contingencies that could de-rail the plan and plan for that. I do try to plan for everything. When I do…things run fairly smoothly. But when I can’t I get stuck in the fog.

The fog for me is really sometimes a simple fix for most. It’s skipping over this to get to that then maybe coming back to what you had to skip or leaving it all together. My brain does not work that way. If I can not envision the outcome then I do not know how to plan or prepare for anything. If I can’t plan or do not have a past experience in a very similar situation then I am stuck.

Let me try to explain better. You get up in the morning and you might have an idea of what to do that day. But then you see your very long list and think of, “where to start?” Then one thing depends on another thing being done first to do the thing you thought you could get done that day. So when you run backwards down the list you still can’t find the starting point, because there is none, and so you spend half your day looking at the list instead of doing the list. That leads to confusion and feelings of being overwhelmed so you sit in the fog hoping it will pass soon all to find out that when it does you are back  to where you started with a long list and no starting point. The cycle keeps going.

To stop the cycle you have a few options; sit down and spend the few days (potentially 1-4days) organizing and planning out your tasks, get outside help to quickly order and prioritize your list, or cut back on all you are doing so the list shrinks then do option one or two.  But there is another way:

Attitude. Being overwhelmed is a daily occurrence with EFD so the attitude is key to helping minimize how long the fog lasts and how to get out of it. Changing my attitude for me personally starts with scripture reading and prayer. Remembering who I am in Christ and that I have not been created by accident refreshes me like the early fall air did. It becomes a clean slate and a source to draw energy and strength. I cannot change the way I think if I am just sitting and feeling sorry for myself. That is another trap altogether.

Reach out. Others around you need to know what is going on. Whether due to disability, depression, new baby, grief or just life being too much you cannot go about all this alone. I will admit there will quite a few that will not understand and may tell you to get over yourself and “just do it.” We both know that if you could you would so let’s just silence those voices and move on to the group who want to help even if they don’t know how. I have found working with people who desire to help but are honest that they don’t know how are better suited then those who have all the answers. The key is don’t do this alone. Seek the aid of those around you and if needs be professionals until you can build your support and educate them on what kind of help you need.

Break it down. The first thing I was told when I found out about having Executive Function Deficit (EFD) was that order and planning would be hard, so break things down into smaller chunks. “Chunking”, as they call it, is a way of taking things too much and grouping them into similar pieces. Then you can look at that one piece and chunk it again until you can see the plan clearer. You can also chunk by due dates. Calendars are great helps, I will get into them in a later post, they give you concrete guides for what order to put things in.

Give grace. Finally give yourself a break. Give yourself grace that you do not have to do everything. No is a powerful word and can free you of a lot of stress and grief. If no is truly not an option then be honest with yourself and your supervisors as to what is going on with you so they can join you in supporting you how you need it and still get your tasks done. You can be your worst critic so give yourself the grace you deserve and applaud even the smallest accomplishments in your day. If you finished one load of dishes- way to go. If you got two steps of the laundry cycle done, great! One of my favorite quotes reminds me that these little things are going to help me win. I leave you with this from Dave Ramsey.

     Have you ever forgotten to rotate your laundry and then the load was smelly so you had to re-wash it only to forget it again? Have you ever ran many loads of wash then walked right by the huge pile of clothes only to not see it and forget to fold it until you go to take a shower? Have you ever left for a long list of important errands only to be stopped by children needing to potty or a misplaced something that keeps you from leaving? I'm sure all of us have had these happen once and a while and we would chalk those up to bad days or obstacles adapt and move on to our sense of normal. We would just make ourselves sit down and fold that laundry and probably not forget about the load after the second re-wish. 



But what if those things weren't possible? What if no matter how hard you wanted or tried you just could see those things, remember what to do next on simple tasks or start folding? What if going step by step still wasn't small enough for you and you didn't understand? You would feel confused, isolated, stupid and alone. You know something's wrong but it just looks like forgetfulness or laziness to others and they just list off really wise advise to help you on your way.



When well intended, but un-knowledgable, people try to advise my daily struggles with order, time management and cleaning I often get similar advise. I hear a lot of, "take it slow",  "one step at a time," "de-clutter your house you probably have too much stuff," or "lower your expectations or "make a checklist and move down the list." I'm not being cynical about these words. Many of these words are truly good advise that I check myself with regularly and I really do love the heart behind the advise. But the advise is based on the understanding that I process and recall information the same way they do. Frankly I don't and can't.  

I have a brain disorder that limits my ability to order my thoughts, time, and yes even objects.  This means basic things like laundry, dishes and juggling children's multiple needs is kind of like doing three 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with no picture. It just makes me cry. It can be hard to understand but it's something I was born with and at times it's worse then others. 


Officially I have been diagnosed with a "Non Specific Disorder." Basically saying I have almost all the symptoms of a disorder but not enough to scientifically say definitively yes. But they recognize that there is a problem, this is it so they treat it as if I have the full disorder. So I have, in essence, what psychologists call Executive Function Disorder. 



It is a neurological problem found in a specific area of the brain, don't know yet where, but mine was damaged at my birth due to lack of oxygen. The EF area of the brain is kind of like a traffic cop that tells the brain what to do with incoming information and where/how to store it. Then on the flip side it's also like a librarian that tells where to retrieve that information so it can be used. These neurons in this small section my brain are dead so my brain, in essence, has no traffic cop or librarian. 



When I learn new stuff, like we do everyday, I am unable to organize it. It must come to me already in an organized way. And to complicate things even more the way it is organized needs to be in small groups or clusters so I can process and memorize the information. When retrieving information I use systems and patterns set up (memorized) or I don't know where to start, stop, tweak or how to adapt to unexpected changes. I have learned over the years how to jump from one system to another so I don't get stuck but some days I just can't figure out what the next step is so I kind of just sit there confused, sad and a little afraid. Think of being lost in the woods with no compass or sense of direction. 



At times like those I wish my problem was a simple solution of step-by-step but the problem is that when things get confusing I can't do anything without outside help and I mean nothing.



I do chuckle a bit at the advise of using checklists only because they are a staple of my existence. I have so many checklists but they are categorized, chunked in small groups. I have a checklist for what to do today, grocery list- this breaks into my Costco, Fred Meyer, New Seasons list; then I have a flow chart that tells me the order to do my errands. If I need to go to Costco or NS I can see what order to run my errands in and about how long each step might take so I know if I will have time or not. Then I have check lists for my cleaning, menu planning, bill/budget, each meal I make and how long to cook each thing, and my kids' reading/learning skills they are each working on and so on. I'll be posting and sharing more of these systems as we go incase so,e,of you are wondering. If there is something particular you want to know how I systematically go about it please leave a comment below and I will post on that. 



Each of these lists are what I call systems and each system runs with and into the other. It is truly the ONLY way I get through a day. My elephant roadblock comes when I come across something NOT on my list or when the plan has changed beyond what I know or have an alternative plan for. So, for example, the car won't start and I need to go do steps A-G but now I can't. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do next if I can't do A. AND I have something new that wasn't in steps A-G, the car needs fixed, so how do I work all those together, prioritize and know how if I have time before important things like kids wanting meals happens. There are a lot of variables and each one has a number of options and outcomes. If I sit down and start all over I can refigure every step and possible outcome, I means EVERY SINGLE ONE, but that can take so much time. Thank the Lord I have some great friends in my life that have helped me create my lists but they are not always available for unexpected happenings nor do I want to constantly call on them. I have though brainstormed with them about these unexpected to create new systems of "what ifs" so that I can draw on something should a similar thing happen again. 



I also have processing speed problems and phonological problems. I'll get into those at a later time but simply let's say they basically mean I take in and process information slowly- duh and I don't connect sound to objects making learning language and reading difficult. 


It's all this to say that these disorders and disabilities can be challenging at times but I live with them everyday so though most of the time I don't give them much thought this still effects my daily life. It effects how I parent, organize my house, my time, my kids schedules, even my husband's schedule. It effects how my friends interact with me...or I interact with them. It effects how I take on various volunteer work in the community and in ministry. I don't process fast so when people talk to me it might take me a bit to intake everything they said missing parts of group conversations. I don't observe seemingly obvious things so unless pointed out I don't notice the awkward looks of a belayed comment making me feel socially out of place. 


Having disabilities can be frustrating, more often then not but it's not who I am. It's a part of me but does not define me. It's something that I must overcome and when I climbed that small hill and overtook that obstacle I can take those lessons and move on with my journey. Because this IS a journey and I get to share the ups and downs with you. I get to share how I figure out the daily grind of being a wife, mother, friend, musician, ministry leader, student, hobbyist, and so much more. I hope you find this encouraging. I hope you are inspired. I pray you find hope because that makes this road worth trekking. 



-Jilena

Hate-I don't usually use this word because it is so powerful but I hate insecurity. I feel it is one of those tools the enemy uses to distract, isolate and destroy. But I am a child of God he can't destroy me! So how is it that when I'm at my closest to God, like a thief I get sideswiped by insecurity?

Insecurity can come in many forms; comparison, perfectionism, isolationism, business, etc. For me it's in isolation, or the appearance of. For me waves of insecurity come through the busyness of life. When my life gets crazy or the lives of my friends get overwhelming and busy I get slapped in the face with doubts like, "Are they avoiding me?" "Do they like me?" "What have I done wrong?" "I need to fix this." You can see how destructive these kinds of thoughts can be.

You see this way of thinking is no different then Peter when he stepped out of the boat and was the second human, out of two total, to ever walk on water. How cool is that!

For those who don't know the story. Matthew 14:22-33 tells us Jesus hadn't gone out on the boat with his disciples but stayed on the shore to pray, we can talk about that idea of prayer later. While the disciples were out in the boat a storm started. It was a bad storm because several of these disciples were seasoned fishermen who were out on the water all the time, and though we don't know which freaked out, many thought they were going to die. Then to add to the mayhem they saw someone walking toward them in the storm on the water. Talk about scary. It was Jesus but some of the disciples weren't sure though he had called to them to reassure them. They thought it was a ghost. Peter, the ambitious one, jumped up and said, "If it's you Lord, call me out to you on the water." (v.28) Jesus called him and he stepped out onto the water.

Now we could go into a different point of this story and talk about faith but I want to focus on what happened next. As Peter was walking on the water the wind, or a big wave, came up and Peter turned to look at the wave. When he did this he started to sink. Now he called out to Jesus and Jesus saved him.

I get Peter's position here. You are emotionally on a high. You are doing something with the Lord that is impossible for humans to do. God is using you and you are rocking the faith thing. It seems like nothing could go wrong...until it does. Life gets busy, we skip a little time with God to, "just relax" or just watch this show, or a quick check of Facebook. Maybe we find our time spent on things like, sick kids, dinner, clean up the house, helping others or even quality time with our families. All these things are wonderful, and Jesus did them too, but the time we get with our Lord is what we need to keep going. It is more important then water or air. He is LIFE.

Even when we spend all this time, which I am not saying has to be any substantial amount of time just time spent, we can not forget that as a child of the King we have an enemy that is determined to stop us in our tracks. He does not want God's message of freedom, healing, faith and truth to have anytime or light. The Word says the devil comes, to steal, kill and destroy. (Jn 10:10)

He wants to steal my peace and joy. He want to me to be the walking dead only thinking of what i've lost and what I'm missing instead of what God has given and what only he can restore. He ultimately wants me destroyed. Some wonder how Christians who have walked away from God could say that life is so much easier. Well let's think about it. Why would the enemy of God spend time on someone who is advancing HIS plan and isn't doing anything to advance God's?

So how does insecurity fit into all of this? Well insecurity is my wind and wave. It is the thing that the devil often uses against me to get my focus off of Christ and back into the sinking ocean of doubt and self-loathing.

That's all to familiar a pit for me. The, "everybody hates me, nobody likes me, guess I'll go eat worms." tune that my mind plays. It's the subtle negative voice that innocently sees friends gathering together over a holiday and pitifully says, "Why wasn't I invited? I guess they don't like me." or the inner voice that imagines a friends busyness of school, family and volunteer activities is because they secretly are angry with me and I have done something to wrong them but they won't tell me. Or worse of all thinking that someone who has experienced a great loss doesn't want to be your friend because they are withdrawn and grieving. You see all these as lies when looked at through the eyes of Christ and can see how silly they are and somewhat selfish. But when used as our enemy as a distraction from our Lord can be something that could have lasting consequences. I cannot tell you how much hurt I have experienced due to my insecurities rearing their ugly head. Lost friendships, opportunities and worse lost credibility and advancement for the gospel.

But insecurity does not have to win. I am human so I will, at times, look more at the distractions then Christ but my goal is to recognize them as soon as I can so I can minimize the time spent dwelling in the sinking pit and call out to Christ. Because the Bible tells at the end of our story. "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Mth. 14:33a and he always will.

Now let's talk food. It's that stuff we all need and it controls about 80% of all weight control. So I've been learning from various websites- links to come, that carbs are great things. (Hang in there don't tar and feather me yet.) Carbs are great, fat is awesome and weight loss doesn't come from starving yourself by taking out everything that is nutritious so mentally you can eat whatever you want that sounds healthy. 

Low-fat, low-carb...blah...blah...blah. These things don't feed your body. What does feed your body is a crazy thing others like to call "whole foods." This is just a fancy way of saying made by God not by man. This means get away from the stuff made, or processed, by humans. The more humans that had to touch it, 'clean it' or handle it before it gets to your home, or mouth, the less it is like what God created and recognizable by your body. So cut the processed and go with fresh. Cut the refined and go with homemade. Ditch the fast food and eat just food. 

Now I am not saying there aren't indulgences. I enjoy my favorite coffee shop, restaurant or fast food place at times. I even enjoy pies and other desserts. My point is choice. Have your cake and eat it too but could you make it yourself and learn how to cook with natural sweeteners, like honey or stevia? Could you substitute canola oil, or other man made oils, for olive oil or coconut oil? Could you minimize the grain content in your favorite bread by making it with almond flour or coconut flour?

I have been slowly making these changes for the past 2 years. I have cut out most chemicals from my family's diet and now I am working to build muscle and lose fat. How do I plan to do this? I am keeping my carbs down to 50g-100g per day. I will be tracking my food with a moderate calorie count. I will up my protein and keep up the weights. I will work on getting more sleep, min 7-8 hrs

I will be honest with you. I am learning as I go. I am NOT an expert but will be seeking the advise of those that are. It's a new layer to this onion of weight loss and healthy living. I will get stronger. I will get fit and I will pass that on to my generations to come. 

What's for dinner? The question that plegues every home when there is no idea what to cook. It gets even more difficult when the outside temperature has made your house almost as hot as the cooktop you use to boil water. So what does one do when cooking inside is a miserable expierence and outside cooking for over many days becomes the same flavors?

I live in Western Oregon and we don't get a lot of heat but when we do it comes for a while and often hot. Most of the houses don't come with AC so that makes cooking in the summer a very creative event. So I have a meal plan for this comingweek of forcasted hot that will keep my family cool and optimize the ability to have hot food, most nights, but not have to eat BBQ every night.

OUTDOOR COOKING

I will be cooking Hotdogs, seasoned chicken and hamburgers on the grill. That takes care of our BBQ quota for the week. I have planned those meals for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday- the hotter days. I will serve them with potato salads and fruit to keep the need for heating anything to a minimum. With the chicken I will grill enough for lunches and will serve a Spinach, raspberry, nut salad with a vinegrette dressing.

For the other days I will make Thai curry and enchiladas on Monday and Thursday because I can make the ingrediance in advance and reheat over my camping stove or my microwave. (Please if you use propane use it OUTSIDE ONLY) That plan is that I will make the ingrediance at night when it is cooler.

Saturday and Sunday will be left over meats or normally hot foods either repurposed into a cool food or reheated in the microwave or on my outdoor stove top.

ENCHILADAS

For the enchiladas I can boil the chicken in my croc-pot then keep it in the fridge until I am ready to reheat it. For the sauce I can use the microwave to heat the veggies and peppers then blend in the blender. I use my bullet. There is also the option of using a canned sauce then there is no need to heat it over the stove. Then all that is left is assembly and I can do that individually then heat to melt the cheese in the microwave. The rice and beans can be prepared at night or early morning, whenever the coolest part of the day is for you.

THAI CURRY

This is just a matter of stewing to soak in flavors. I can prepare the sauce, chop the veggies, and prepare the meat (I use chicken). Then when I want to reheat it I can heat in either the crocpot or in the microwave. If you have a rice cooker you can use that to make your rice or prepare it in the coolest part of the day.

It is easy to find things that are wrong. I think the simplest path is the negative talk we tell ourselves and others about what irritates and annoys. But to find the positive, to find the truth, that is a narrow road. That is the path that many people believe they are on until they look around and get real. That was a moment for me tonight as I talked to a dear woman that has bounced in and out of my life spilling her nuggets of truth and life with me. This woman was instrumental in introducing me to my Lord and Christ-Jesus. 
  
As we stood talking, we had not seen each other in a long time, we mentioned some past bad habits of mine that I fully accept were bad habits. She had overheard me telling someone about what I think of that stuff now and couldn’t believe that was me and true. With confirmation from a good friend, she was assured that I have in fact changed that part of my life and am training my children to do the same, without all the struggle and heartache to go with it though.
 
This brief conversation caused me to think deeply about where I was last time I was able to connect with this dear and special woman. I was also reminded of the journey I went through to get to where I was now. But I still was thinking it wasn’t enough. I still believed that I had too far to go and I had something to prove, to myself. Then, I believe the Lord did this, a song on the radio came on, “Redeemed” by Big Daddy Weave. 

The beginning of this song were much of how I was feeling and thinking at the time: “Seems like all I could see was the struggle, Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past, Bound up in shackles of all my failures, Wondering how long is this gonna last,” It was like I was hanging out in the past because that was where people expected me to be. They know me to be like this so I need to act like that around them. I ask myself, “What if they don’t believe I’ve changed?” then live as if I haven’t. But at the same time I don’t. It’s hard to explain that feeling but I think Christ explained it well in Mark 6:1-6 when he was not able to minister in his home town because they did not believe who he was. 

I know everyone will not believe the things I have changed are real and I am okay with that. I am not here to prove anything to anyone, including myself. The next part of the first verse of this song was like a slap to the back of the head: “ Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son, Stop fighting a fight it's already been won.” I do not need to prove myself because it is not my fight and Jesus already won it for me.

Jesus did everything needed to win the battle over my weaknesses. He died so that I do not have to feel lonely, unworthy, un-kept, unwanted, lost and afraid. I do not struggle with those things. I have learned to give them Christ. I choose to believe what he says about me and what he did for me. I do not need to hide behind an un-kept home or unclean body. I do not need to control everything around me and keep people from getting close. I do not have to fear rejection and be so serious that everyone runs away fulfilling my fear. Because I am redeemed!

Webster’s Dictionary defines redeemed as: to compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something)- Do something that compensates for poor past performance or behavior. Christ redeemed me. Christ set me free and paid my debt for all those things that I didn’t do right. All the hurts I inflicted on past relationships that I would give anything to reach out to them and say sorry. Jesus compensated, with his LIFE, for my poor past behavior. 
 
I was reminded tonight I have nothing to prove. I do not need to dwell on the negative things that have happened to me, or those things I have done wrong. I can choose to live redeemed and remember that I accepted the free gift of forgiveness Jesus gives to all and so wants me to live by. I can live in his peace with his joy covered by his love. “So I'll shake off these heavy chains, Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be, I am redeemed, I'm redeemed. Thank God, redeemed.”

Sometimes living with a disability is so frustrating one doesn't know where to start, literally. This past November I was given a name for a learning disability that I have struggled with my whole life. This diagnosis was especially hard to take in since it was being linked back to lack of oxygen during my traumatic birth experience that also caused my right arm to be trapped leading to a deformation of my right forearm and hand. 

Last winter I was diagnosed with: Phonological processing problems- hearing and connecting sounds to shapes or symbols i.e. letters or notes; processing speed problems- I think slowly when learning; and Executive Functioning Problems- I don't have all the symptoms of the full disorder but I'll call it EFD anyway for short. All these things are grouped together under a title called Learning Disability: NOS. Basically meaning that I have serious trouble with these functions of the brain but not to the extent that they would give me the full disorder diagnosis.

The first two issues seldom affect my everyday life outside of a classroom but EFD can affect me every day in many ways. EFD can be tricky to explain so I would rather let the professionals explain the official definition but let's just say that it's the gate keeper for any and all information in your brain. My understanding is it is the part of the brain that tells new stimulus where to be organized, cataloged or filed. It is also the part of the brain that tells you where to go to find the information you stored and gets you started on using that information to complete activities and tasks, daily or academic. When this part doesn't work properly then learning new things or even adding new information to what you already know can be challenging. And if there isn't a clear direct connection to what you already know then it is nearly impossible to figure it out so nothing gets filed therefore nothing can be recalled.

I think of it like this. When a small child sees a black dog their parent says, "Doggie, woof." The parent says the same thing with a brown dog. This is what psychologists call Schemas. They are the organizational method children, and adults, use to categorize things in their minds so they can start to make sense of the world around them. When the child then sees a field of brown and black cows they may say that same phrase back to their parent. The parent corrects them and says, “No. Cows, moo.” The schema has been altered to fit the new information. Black and brown doesn’t make just dogs, cows can be that too. The more stimuli that goes in the more schemas are made. The schemas, or organized groupings, art to take on a structure and as children grow this structure expands. Sometimes these things are taught to children directly. Sometimes they are observed by the child then copied or organized without cognitive thought. 

One problem with EFD, my problem, is that this structure has holes in it and so things get miss organized or misfiled. This makes planning things a slow pain staking process and any kind of learning becomes hard if information cannot be connected to what is already known. Take this lack of mental organization along with the slow processing speed and this can take a very long time. Think of things like making a weekly menu, grocery lists, planning your errands and trying to save gas by not driving all over town, or even planning a budget then keeping it. All these tasks require executive function to happen. All this takes mental energy and time.  

I can do these things but what I do is go through every detailed step. Those “obvious” steps are not obvious to me. Remember how a child can learn things through direct instruction as well as through observation. I can do that but since I can’t see all the steps in my head to “fill in” I can’t start or complete the task without slowing down and touching on very step. 

For example, take the task of brushing and flossing your teeth. Most children are shown how to brush and floss and would observe the details of how. Most would instinctively pay attention to how it felt as an adult brushed their teeth. As they grew they would not think that they had learned how to brush and floss their teeth they would just ‘know’ how to. Someone with EFD would not necessarily know to look for any of those details, or steps, so when it was time to take over doing it they would not know how to, so through frustration, would give up or inadequately complete the task. 

A person with EFD would need to be told to pay attention to how the parent was doing it. Asking questions like, “Do you feel that? That’s what clean feels like.” They would also learn things in smaller bite-sized steps. So learning to brush and floss would look like this. “Get out the toothbrush and toothpaste. Put a pea sized drop of paste on top of the toothbrush. If you like, gently splash water on the brush to wet it…” Then you would go into detail of how to brush, the angle of the brush and how it should feel while and after brushing. Then repeat the many steps for flossing. 

Do you see how much detail can be missed for someone with EFD? If this is not explained in an outside voice this is the long process one must often go through to learn each step to complete a task. Since the detail is not readily observed those details must be sought out or skipped over so the task can be completed. When in a learning environment this can lead to poor grades because of missing details and information to regurgitate said information. Personally, my brain doesn’t skip or jump steps well. (Sadly I was in my 30s before a dear friend taught me, patiently, to properly brush and floss. I hope no other person with EFD has to wait that long.) 

Another EFD problem is initiation. I think starting something is hard for most people, however when starting something just doesn't happen because you don't know where to start as well as you don't know what is more important than other things, you just don't do anything but sit and think. I will sit and think about what needs to be done, make a list then have to walk through, mentally, every possible outcome. Then try to put my thoughts together. This time consuming process makes it hard to not see yourself as a complete failure or loser. I see it like someone handing me a tangled ball of yarn with no ends showing and asking me to unravel it. "Where do you start?" Then to top it off you don't have any idea what a ball of untangled yarn looks like so once you do figure out where to start you are not sure where to go from there.

This process has been challenging. Have I always had this? Yes, but I have not known it's name or its characteristics to learn how to adapt. I will adapt as I find more resources. Until then, I will just fill in the wholes by creating patterns I can remember and already know how to do so that I don't have to spend as much time trying to plan things out. I will seek others who know how to do things and hope they will share with me those ‘duh’ details. I will share this challenge with anyone who wants to hear so that others who struggle in silence have somewhere to go to get answers and solutions. Together we can learn.

*  *  *  *
To my understanding EFD is mostly diagnosed in children and through resources children can learn ways to overcome this by adulthood. Personally I have not found information about this in adults although I’m sure it is a problem for more than just me. For more information on Executive function or it’s disorder please visit:  Web MD  or Learning Disabilities websites. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical or psychological professional. This is my personal experience and understanding of MY diagnosis. This article is not a diagnostic tool. If you would like more information or feel you are experiencing similar situations please seek professional advice. This blog and article is not to replace a professional diagnosis or treatment and is solely for informational and entertainment purposes only.

"The summer doesn't have to always be about accomplishing a million things.
It can also be about rest and relaxing and being still."  -JO

     A friend of mine told me this phrase when I was feeling restless and disappointed about not getting much done today and fearing my whole summer would turn out like this. Her words of wisdom rang true in my ears, as they so often have done in past conversations. Have you ever had a friend that was so real that when they spoke you felt as if they just read your mind and your struggles but then you realized that it was God using them to knock you over the head? That is the truth my friend has shared with me so many times. These words are only half of what I feel God has been trying to get my stubborn brain to recognize. "Be still and know that I am God." Ps 46:10 NIV is the verse that ring through my head through my friend's honest heart and words.
     These words above don't have as much impact on a person who does not understand a background with the voice I hear when I read those words. JO has one of those voices that is soft and quiet. That beautiful voice our Lord gave her is the voice that shouts in my ear when no other sound seems to get through. You see I like to talk- big surprise I'm sure- and I can be loud. I sing loud, talk loudly and can throw my voice over a crowd better than some men. But this trait of mine, which is a good thing, can get me into trouble with personal intimacy within my relationships, including my relationship with my God and Savior Jesus.
     The problem is I don't stop talking. I use up so many words during my "quiet time" that I don't even feel like I had any quiet. Now I'm not saying that a quiet time has to be sober or silent (I'll touch on my ideas for a quiet time another time.) but there should be a time of reflection and a moment where the Lord gets to talk too. Briefly, a quiet time is like hanging out with your best friend through shared conversation, learning and growth. Not much shared if I just sit and read a little Bible, pray- ie talk to God, then talk more through journal or song. When is it God's turn to talk? Mine to listen? And mine to learn from Him?
     I carry this same talkative manner into my friendships and into my daily activities. Do, do, do, go, go, go, check, check, check, down my check list. Thinking that is what a "good" person does. If I get things done then great! If not, I fail. Whoa, that's a lot of pressure I've put on myself. Also where's the intimacy or closeness with others? How many friends truly stick around for long when they can't get a word in? I know, logically, I need to change this, to slow down and put my talkative guard down, like JO said, "rest, relax and being still," but that is hard to do. I don't realize I'm doing it until I see the friend less and less or their backside through the door. Fear of failing and fear of rejection get the best of me. Then the next thing I know I've held down the entire conversation and caused my own fear to come true. Urgh Have you ever done that?
     So you can see how beautifully perfect it is that God would, unknowingly to her, use a soft spoken woman, just being herself, to get my attention. God gives me a glimpse of heaven: a piece of his "still small voice" in the voice of my friend (and in her current word of wisdom spoken today). Better than shouted in my ear it is whispered to me in such a way that I MUST stop talking in order to hear... because Lord do I want to hear. I MUST put down my fear and guard and let my Lord in (which means letting others know the real me no matter if they reject me or not.) My attention is drawn and again I am reminded the my God IS I AM so be still. [shhh] be still. 
     Do you need to remember to be still? Do need to learn the same lesson I am learning: to let God do some of the talking in your relationship with him? Do you need to let go of fear and take a step of faith to trust God more regardless of rejection? Maybe you need to give yourself permission to "rest, relax and be still" for a time? Or maybe you just need to open your heart to being real and honest so God can use your voice to speak truth to someone else.

On Facebook I posed a question of determining righteousness- doing what is right even if it is not easy. I asked if someone, me, should continue attending a class and do the final homework when one knew there was no way to pass this class. My friend's answers were of varying degree and very helpful. This led me to remember who I am and how I want to be defined. 

I am a Christian. Now that word can be thrown around by some to mean various things but for me that means I am: a follower of the one who called himself "The Christ", which means messiah or promised savior. To be a follower of Jesus of Nazareth means I will pattern my
life after his. 

 Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ, finished what he started. It wasn't if he WANTED to finish what he started. It wasn't if he FELT like finishing what he started. He just chose to and did. At some point in his human life, and we can get into the theology of when/if later, Jesus knew what was going to happen to him. He knew he would be betrayed. He knew he would die by means of crucifixion and be buried and rise again on the third day. (Mt. 17:23, 20:19, Lk 9:22, 13:32, 18:33, 24:21 NIV) Jesus knew full well what was in his future. He knew that he would not "win" and yet he chose to keep going. 

Now I know my class is nothing compared to the choice he made but it is choice none-the-less. It is a decision to do as Christ did or go on based on my feelings. Is there justification to quit? Probably so. Does one have to? Absolutely not. Will anything change if I don't quit? YES!  I will be different. Personally, I will have said to myself that I am not important but following Christ is my call. 

As a Christian we have been called to excellence. Now please don't mistake excellence for perfection. Excellence is giving our best to what we know if right. We can not be perfect but we can give our all to what we have committed to do and trust God to handle the outcomes, whatever they may be. Will it be pleasant all the time? Nope. Will we succeed all the time? Nope. But may God get the glory? That is the prayer and that was Jesus' prayer as well. (Luke 22:42, John 17:1) 

Jesus showed determination- deciding it is worth it to finish what you started. He knew that humanity would have been separated from God forever if he didn't take the punishment for our sins. He knew that a perfect sacrifice was needed to pay the debt that our selfish rebellious nature demanded. He loves you and me so much that when he looked at if it was worth it he said a resounding, "YES!!!" a thousand times over. He loves you and he loves me. He chose to die for that. God honored Jesus. God raised Jesus from the grave and lifted him up in glory. 

If you do not know about this amazing love and would like to know more please comment below or email me. Accepting Jesus as your personal savior and Lord is the most important decision you will ever make. Please don't let another moment go by without finding out more about what Jesus did for you and how you can know him personally. 
 
As for me, I will make my small choices to lift my Christ up as well. I will honor my Lord and my God with an attitude that worships him. I choose worship. I choose to honor him. I choose determination.

I sit here watching my four year old "do the dishes," i.e. play in the sink. I hear my older kids laughing as they discover new animals on a computer game and I cherish the sounds I hear, even when the laughter turns to an argument and the water makes a mess. You see all those events are too valuable now. All these happy times and even the frustrating messes and fights are blessings from God. You see I have been changed and I will not EVER be the same.

Six months ago a friend of mine un-expectantly said goodbye, for now, to her almost six year old son. (My middle daughter is two weeks older than him and his friend.) Understandably it was a shock and grief has not passed over this family or the lives this beautiful child touched, including mine. Though I did not get to spend as much time with this child as I would have liked I do remember his smile. He would smile almost all the time. I say almost because I remember he was playing with my daughter one time and some friends' kids and I did something silly. He looked at me as if I had slipped out of the coo-coo's nest. Then he smiled and laughed. I loved his laugh. It was a laugh that made you smile because he lived with such joy. He was also curious and since I enjoy random facts I would try to tell him stuff but would sometimes shy away because I got that your weird look. Haha I miss that look.

Just a week ago friends and family remembered a woman who fought, as a hero, with cancer for more than 10 years. She touched many lives and left us way too early. She was wise and funny, kind and giving. She loved people and would help you with anything she could. I remember her helping me overcome some of my executive function struggles, though we didn't have that name at the time, by spending hours in my office showing me how to set files. I also remember her taking my son out to play somewhere so I could rest after one of my daughters were born and her buying him a coat because he needed one and she knew our finances at the time were not in a place to replace the one he lost. This was the way she was- always giving.

The sting of the absences of these lives are still fresh but as I have reflected on the many things these precious lives have taught me I've been leery to let their deaths, and those before them, teach me as well. But I loved these people and their families too much to not let them impact me. I have holes from others before these two but I was not healed enough or strong enough at that to understand it or process it completely.

The two most impacting memories were of a man who, as well, had a disability on his hands but didn't let that stop him from being a professional chef. He moved to heaven because of drugs, alcohol issues. The most impactful was a young lady only a year and half younger than me. She was always so kind, playful, silly, forgiving and such a friend. I don't think I could ever be alone when she was around because she was so inclusive and accepting. My only regret is that I didn't get to spend more time with her before she went to heaven and I miss the adult friendship we could of had.

To look at the holes death leaves is to look at life. I used to hide the painful emotions of these relationships. I used to try to fix things so that the pain would go numb but I see that doesn't really do anything but cause more pain. Worse to numb the pain you almost make yourself have to forget those loved ones. I see now that allowing myself to be sad, to cry, to miss them and what might have been is healthy and is healing. And most of all, to let those amazing people change me for good... to "choose life." Deuteronomy 30:19 quotes God telling the Israelites that he presents them with a choice: life or death and asks them to "choose life that you...might live." That is what I choose to do.

We can live a physical life but be dead inside. We can shut ourselves away and not allow other relationships to flourish or grow. We can run from the hard sad emotions of grief or ignore the small joys that the Lord sets before us. We can grumble and complain about how this life sucks but never take steps to do something to better ourselves or subsequent generations. But that is not life and Christ came, "that [we] may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10 NIV)

So I choose to honor Tish by making friends while laughing and playing a lot. I honor Steve by not letting my disabilities become inabilities. I honor Leta by learning to overcome my learning disabilities through order, a clean home and a fighting spirit and I honor Noah by cherishing EVERY moment my Lord loans me my kids and gives me the privilege to bring them up. Their physical absence in this world will be felt for some time but their legacy will live on with those who knew them and in the impact their lives have had on this simple mother and woman.

I will never be the same... Thank you.